gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
