It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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