Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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