So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
