No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
