Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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