ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
