i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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