they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
All I want is dick and wine.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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