im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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