so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
