You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
