Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
