mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
