sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
