Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
