Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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