Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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