In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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