allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
FUCK WHALES
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