i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
