Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
