Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
