M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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