Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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