I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
