I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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