sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
