He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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