im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
