Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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