just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
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He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
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Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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