I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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