your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
