Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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