I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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