She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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