if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
