if i can run in heels then i can drive
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
