I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
