Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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