Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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