so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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