I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
