question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
