he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
