did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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