genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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