I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
