Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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