I cut my penus on the lid.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
