Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
