If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
