i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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