Having a random hookup so left but love u
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
