we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
